


there and bacardi again

by orphan_account



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Drunk Antics, Drunk Texting, F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, Rated T for language, awesome drunk bilbo, dis and prim because why not, fem!saradoc, like seriously bilbo is the best drunk ever, nothing too scandalous, prim is actually texting thorin, sara is a chick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-11
Updated: 2015-10-11
Packaged: 2018-04-25 20:29:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4975438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>because why not have a terrible pun as the title </p><p>(originally named 'yes that cliche drunk texting thing')</p><p>Modern AU in which all of the hobbits get super drunk and Prim accidentally texts Thorin instead of Hamfast. Involving Wrecking Ball on top of a wrecking ball, Pirate Princess Pickle Bunnies, and cricket with mandarins.</p>
            </blockquote>





	there and bacardi again

**Author's Note:**

> I was watching bathurst and this happened  
> DAMMIT VAN GISBERGEN STEP UP YOUR GAME
> 
> anyway please enjoy this

Thorin Durskjald reached for his phone with a frown. In fact, he was almost always frowning, but this particular frown was, rather than his resting grumpy expression, one of confusion. It was also slightly weary; he had just spent the entire day (and most of the night) at the so-dubbed Lonely ’Scraper, the one and only skyscraper in the whole of Rhovanion City. His company, Arkenstone International, had claimed the top three floors years ago, with a breathtaking view of the River Anduin and Eriador Prefecture across the way. Not that Thorin had had much chance to ogle the views: he had been hunched over his desk for so long that when he finally moved he could have sworn that his every joint cracked simultaneously.

It had been a relief to finally get home. Dís and her boys were still out so the apartment was for once completely silent, nothing but him and his footsteps echoing through the artistically modern space.

After pouring himself a glass of cranberry juice (he had been sober for about six months after a certain… _experience_ ) he had flopped down on one of the sleek black couches. His sigh had been long and heavy and rather embarrassing; he was glade for his solitude as he absently switched on his phone.

Upon awakening, his phone buzzed, signalling a text. His phone _never_ buzzed, especially not to signal a text. Understandable, given that only his sister and her kids had his number, and Dís was experiencing some thought of anti-technology phase and Fíli thought texting his uncle ‘too embarrassing’ and Kíli was ten.

Buzzing mutedly for a second, this time as it opened, the screen switched on with a bright glow.

 

**15:21 NOVEMBER 1 ST **

**191 NEW TEXTS**

**(UNKNOWN NUMBER: 472XXXX)**

 

The line between Thorin’s dark brows merely deepened as he opened his texting app. One hundred and ninety-one was undoubtedly an impressive figure, too many for a scam or a business associate or some salesman.

His expression changed entirely as he began to read through the texts.

 

**_22:37 October 31 st _ **

(OHMY FCUKING GODE3 HAMFAST GET TEH FKU OVER HERE RN AND I FUCKING MEAN RN BC BILBOO IS ACTUALLU876EY DRUNKK WTF)

(HAMFAST654ERF SRSLY)

(WEHERE TF R Y)

(OU)

(EVRYONE IS WAITNG)

(OKJJKKKKKK FINE TEGHBN)

****

**_22:39 October 31 st _ **

(U NO FORE A 24 YEARRRR OLD UR REALLY BORING)

 

**_22:40 October 31 st _ **

(I THOUGHT BILBOOO239684O WAS 9THE OLD MAN????????????:?>???)

 

**_22:41 October 31 st _ **

(HEWS 26 NOW REMENEMBER)

 

**_22:48 October 31 st_ **

(OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY FUCJWOING GOD HANFAST U WONT BELIEVE TTHIS)

(BILBO JUTS TIEEDDD A RIPE AROUND OTHOS HEAD LIKE FUCKING LEGITT674837)

(AHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAEDNAAHAHUY272AHAHAHAHAHAHAAA)

 

**_22:54 October 31 st_ **

(OH MY FUCJK)

(HAMFAST)

(U WONTRF BELIVE THIS)

(BILBOVS RIDING OTHO9089)

(ADNS I DON56T MEAN IN THAT WAY U SLUFTTTTTTTDHJE2)

(NO BUST SSRSLY HE THINKS HES A FUCKINGS HORSRFEE)

(HAFMSAT IM CRYING LLIKE LEGITR7)

(NOW HES S CREAMING OMGFG)

(WAIT WTAI WAIT ILL TYEPITOUT 4FOR YYU8)

(WAIT)

(AHAHHAAHSGAHAAJKAHAHAHAAJ)

(HES SCREAMIGN RUN MY NOBKLE STEED)

(ELSE TEHVILLAGERS WILL MAEK US DANCE 3 NAJKED)

(AHAHHAHAHWHEHAHA)

(II CABNT EVEN OMFG)

 

**_23:02 October 31 st_ **

(HAMFAST732 SRSLY GET OVER HERRRRRE UR MSING OUT42)

(ISMSRLY OGNNA PEE MYSELF)

 

**_23:17 October 31 st_ **

(OMFG LOBELAIS FOUND US AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA)

 

**_23:22 October 31 st_ **

(HAMFAST OH NY FUCKING GOD      GET TSHIS LOB)

(ELIA WWWS TRYIHNA SCOOLD US BUT BLIBO STARTED SINGINGF HAKUNA MATATA)

(AND GAVEDS HER AS SHOT)

(OF TEQQUILA)

(SHES DRUN6K NOW)

 

**_23:39 October 31 st_ **

(OMFG HAFMATS THIS IS LIKE THE FKING NIGNTHT WHSEN PIGS FLY)

(NOT TO STAY BILBOSSS A PIG BUTF STILL)

(BOTH BILBO N LOBELIA R DRUNK;’’’’ WHAT IS THISD??’)

(I THINK LOBEKIA LIKES OTHO THO SO)

 

**_23:41 October 31 st _ **

(BILBOS ACTUALLYYYY REALLY CUTE THOO LOL LIKE I WOUKD TOTALLY TAP THAT6555555)

(SHIT DONTT TEL DROGO I SED THAT K)

(BUT BIILBOS GAY THO)

(SO IS 9237777777            IT OK)

 

**_23:56 October 31 st_ **

(HAFMAST TT WHRE THE UFCK ARE U)

(FUCKING TTOSSER SHIT SRSLUY)

 

**_23:59 October 31 st_ **

(WTF)

(WAIT FU87CK)

 

**_00:02 November 1 st _ **

(WHATS IS EVENB HAPPENIG RN)

 

**_00:03 November 1 st _ **

(AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHSHAHAGHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA)

(OMFG)

 

**_00:08 November 1 st _ **

(HANAFAST I CANBT EVEN)

(U NO THE MILEYSCRUYS SONG WRECKING BALL282334)

(AN TE MASSIV4EE ROUND SCULTPTURE THINGO AT ESMES PLACEE)

(WELLL GET TSHISSS MFG)

(BILBO AN== LOBELAI CLIMBED UP THE TOP N STAREDT SINGING WREKIMG BALL LIKE SUPER LOUD)

(TEHRE GOES OUR RERPTUATION LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE02)

(OHE WHALE)

 

**_00:11 November 1 st_ **

(LLOL WHALE) 

 

**_00:20 November 1 st_ **

(HAMASFT      ILLLLLY)

(LIKE SRSLY)

(SOZZZZQAQZZZZ ZZZZ                 FOR CALLNG U HAMSTERFAST IN 2ND GRAFE)

(AND THIRD DRAGE)

(AND2 FOURTH GRADE)

(ND FIFTH GRADE)

(AND UP TIL NIW LLOL)

 

**_00:23 November 1 st_ **

(LLOL HAMSTERFAST IM SO SMARTRT HAHAHAAASSEW2)

 

**_00:48 November 1 st_ **

(OMFG HAMFAST)

(OFMDFG)

(IC ANT EVVEBN ANYMOIRE)

(BKLBO IS LIKEDS THE AWESOMENST DRUNK PERSON EVRY THIS IS FUCKING HILAROIUS)

(HE MADE AA HAT788299 OF BEER CANS)

(AND SSAYS HE IS ABRAHAMM DRINKIN)

(AHAHAHAHAHHHAHHAHHAHAAQQQQQQQAAAAAAAAAAA)

 

**_01:02 November 1 st_ **

(HAMFSSSAT WTF WHRE ARE U THIS ISN)

(T FUNYY)

(ITS AHLLOWEEN U SHRUB7654)

(WHERE SI UR TRADITION)

(F4UCK)

 

**_03:17 November 1 st_ **

(OMFGGGGGGGGG DID Y U NO BILKBO BECOMES WEIRDLY STRAIGHGT WHEN HE32222S DRUNK)

(AND HES ACRTUALLY PRETTY SMOOOTHH)

(CUZ WER WENT TO NEW WORLD T6O BUUY CHOLOCATE)

(BUT WE GOT LOSYT LOL)

(ND TERHE WERE THEES THREE TOTALLY HOT GIRDLS LIKE IW OULD TOTALLY TAP ETTHEM TOO)

(YEAH DO9999NT TELL DROGO)

(TEGHRYH WERE ONLY INTERESTED IN BIOBLBO THO)

 

**_03:19 November 1 st_ **

(BIBLKO SRSLTTY GOT ALLL OF THEIR NUMBERS LIIKEW OW)

(TOK HIM UNDER 5MINS)

(SHIT)

 

**_03:22 November 1 st_ **

(WAIT REMEMBER WHEN BILBO CAME OUUT LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL)

(ATT GHE ANNUAL PARTY TRE3333 PARTY THINGO)

(HHHIS MUMN WAS21 LKIE I LIKE CRANBERRY SAUCE)

(ANDB HE WAS LKIKE)

(I LIKE DICK)

(AND EVEYRONE WAS LLOKE OMFG)

(ANDDDDDDDD HIS MUM WAS LIKEES GODDAMIT FBIKLBO I JUST WANTED SOME CRAMBERRY SAUCE)

(SHE WAS OK BUT HIS DADD CRIED ALL NIGHT)

(AND WE HEARDDD BELLADDONNA SCREAM ‘G’OODDAMIT BUNGO WHHO CARES IF HE LIKES IT UP THE ASS’’’’’ AT LOIKE THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT)

(AJJHSHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAHHAHAH)

 

**_04:40 November 1 st_ **

(HAMFATS OMFG BILBO DISAPEARED)

(FUCK)

(HE ALWAASY SAID HIS RING WAS MAGCI BUT I NEVR BELIEVED HIM)

(I WAS WRONG)

(SHITI)

(WE DK WERE HE IS THO)

 

**_04:51 November 1 st_ **

(HAMFASTF SHIT IM FREEDAKING OUT FCUK)

 

**_04:53 November 1 st_ **

(SHIT)

 

**_05:00 November 1 st_ **

(THAT FUCKING GNADALF I SWEAR TYIO GOD IF BILBOBVS IN LIKE HELLOR PIIZA HUTT OR WORSE  T43 HIS IS ALL HIS FUCKING FAULT90!!!!@!!!!)

 

**_05:03 November 1 st_ **

(HAMFSATS CALL TEH POLCIEEE)

(AT 111 U RMEMEBER)

(FCUKING GET TO IT U SSCRUB)

 

**_05:08 November 1 st_ **

(O WSAT)

(WAIT)

(WUAT)

(ITS OKW3)

(WE FOUND HSIM)

 

**_05:13 November 1 st_ **

(HE WAS IN THFE FRIDGE BTW)

(WHITH SOME3455555 WIINE)

(N HE WAWS JUST LIKE)

( I LKE MY WHINE CHILL)

(LIKE ME)

(AJAJAJAHAHHAHAHAJAJHAHAHHAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA OMFG)

 

**_05:28 November 1 st_ **

(HMAFAST U WINT BELIVEEEEEE THSI)

(OTHO PASSED OUT RIFGHT)

(HE WAS RPOBABLY DRUNCKKKKKK IDK HE MIGHT FBE DEAD OR STH)

(BUT HTHATS NOT THE POINT)

(BILBPPO AND LOBELIEA DREW ALL OVER HJHIM)

(LIKE THEY GAVED2322222222222222333 HIM AN EYEPASTCH)

(AND WHSIKARS)

(N SARA FOUND A TIARA IDK WHERE LOL)

(N THEY DREW A BRA887IIIIIN ON HIS HSOULDER IDK WHHY78HHHY              THO)

(AND BIBLO NAMED HIM PIRATE PRINCESS PICKLE BUNNY6483900)

 

**_05:36 November 1 st_ **

(OK SARAA AND ESME R MAKIGN OUT)

(ABT FUCKINGFD TIME TOO JEJSUS CHRUSTJ)

(ITS PRETTY HOT)

(DORGOS SUCH AA FUCKINGGGGGG PRUDE34 THO IDEK WHY WERE FUCKBBUUDDIES)

(WOW THERES LIKE TONGUE N EVYRUTHING  V)

(PROBS TMI LOL)

 

**_05:50 November 1 st_ **

(OK I TAKE BACJE WHAT I SAID)

(DROGOS PRETTY GOFD)

(UNTILFR HE PASSES OUT)

( I MEASN I AM SUPER HOT SO)

(NOT SUPRUOESED)

(ALSO I TOLD HIM I MIGHGT BE LEZ BC THOSE GIRLS WERE SUPER343 HOT)

(U CAN.;’ HAVE HIM HAMFAST543 DW)

 

**_06:01 November 1 st_ **

(OKKK SO ITYS JUST MEE BILBO0 N LOBELIA NOW)

(ODNT EVEN WANT 2 KNOE ABOUT SARA N ESME)

(NASTY)

 

**_06:37 November 1 st_ **

(OMFGGGGGGGGGGG HAMFASTTTT LOSTEN LISTEN LISSETENNNN)

(U WILL NERVER BELEVE)

(BILBLO IS PLAHYIGN CRICKET WITH              THE BURROWS ‘’’’’’FORR SALES’IGN)

(AND MANDARINS)

 

**_06:42 November 1 st_ **

(HESSSS ACTUALTYY REALLY FICKING GOOD WTF)

 

**_06:44 November 1 st _ **

(HOW DO YU EVENN HIT A MANDARIN THAT FAR)

 

**_06:50 November 1 st_ **

(LOL RUFUS IS GETTINGGGG PISSED BC THERYE USING HIS FOFR SALE SIGN BUT I SWEAR ASH IS GONNA PISS HERSEFLF LAUGHINGT748)

 

**_07:11 November 1 st_ **

( HAMFAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASTTTTTTTTTTTTT)

(HAMHAMHAMHAM)

(OMFGEEEE)

(U NO HOW BILBO S SO FUCKINGFD COORDI8NATED AN SHIT)

(HE JUSTT TRIPPED OVER THE KITCHEDN FLOOR)

(ITS LINOLEUM)

(JUST FUCKING LINOLUEM)

(I SHIT U NOTR)

(HEH TRUPPED OVER LINELOIM)

(AND SIAD HE WAS ATTACKING THE FLOR)

(NO ONE BOUGHT IT)

(AND BUY NOONE I MEAN ME CUSZ LOBELIA PASED OUT LOL)

(SHE ONLY HAD TAHGKEDT THAT ONE SHOT THAT I TOLF U ABUT8929020000000000)

(TSHUS IS SO UFCKING FUNY)

 

**_07:13 November 1 st _ **

(BEST HALLOWEDN EVEYR)

(AND UR NOT FKING HERE!!!@1!1!!!)

 

**_07:14 November 1 st_ **

(LOL)

 

**_07:19 November 1 st_ **

(MEHTHINKS BILBO WILL BE WORDHIPPING THE PORCEIALN GOD TOMORROWW)

(NOT ME NTHO)

(IM NOT EVEN DURNK)

 

**_07:33 November 1 st_ **

(OK BILBOS GONE TOO)

 

**_07:35 November 1 st_ **

(HE DIDNT PASS OUT THRFO HE JUST          SIADI HE WAS GONNA MAKE A NEST FOR THE WINTEIR AD WENT UPSTAIRS)

(HE DINFT FALL THO221)

 

**_07:37 November 1 st _ **

(I WANTED 5TO SEE HIMF FALL TBH)

 

**_07:38 November 1 st_ **

(DOESSS THAF MAKE ME A SADIST67)

 

**_07:42 November 1 st_ **

(HAMFASRT)

(HAMDATS)

(HAMFASTF)

(HAMFAST)

(OKF OTR43333)

(82222222222233333333333394URY8HFUBD2JVDMCSE)

(666)

(LUFUG)

(LUUFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF UUUUUUUUIOUOEEEUUUUU)

(LUVVVVVVVVVVVV             UUUUUUUUUUUUUU)

(OGONDIGHT)

 

**_07:46 November 1 st_ **

(DONT LET THE BEDBYFGS BITE AHHHAHAAHAHAHA)

 

**_07:49 November 1 st_ **

(SHRUB)

 

**_07:51 November 1 st_ **

(LO0L)

\---

Fíli, Kíli, and Dís were extremely surprised when they came home to see Thorin lying on the floor, his face purple, laughing uncontrollably.

On second thought, perhaps _surprised_ was not the best word for it; Fíli and Kíli were quite convinced that it was the first sign of the apocalypse, and even Dís could not help looking for a headless horseman.

‘Er…Thorin?’ she asked hesitantly, as one might question a skittish racoon. ‘Is everything okay?’

Unable to form coherent sentences, Thorin merely gestured at his phone before descending into another fit.

The three others clustered around the phone.

Within minutes, they joined him on the floor, Dís choking between hysterical laughter that they absolutely had to meet these people.

\---

Primula Baggins woke with a bang. Or, more accurately, a scream.

She was only able to wonder about its origin for a split second before a literal spear of pain – and how could it not be spear, oh fucking hell was she going to die – slammed through her skull and pinned her to the linoleum.

After shouting expletives for a rather impressive length of time, the spear finally faded into a dull thumping and Prim was once more able to think straight. Despite the tattoo of death drumming away in her head she fought to recall the past night; for all her best efforts, the past twelve hours were little more than a haze of puns, dramatics, terrible singing, and llama hats. She could also recall texting Hamfast for almost the entire night, which she thought odd for some reason.

Forgetting the lingering weirdness, Prim shot to her feet and near-horizontally sprinted to the bathroom, driven by the surge in her stomach rather similar to one experienced when cresting a rollercoaster.

Unfortunately, the bathroom was not empty. Judging by the prone bodies strewn across every surface, had Prim not known better she would have expected it to be the site of a mass murder. As it was, she merely nudged Drogo’s leg out of the way with a sigh and flumped down in the bathtub. A groaning Lobelia muttered something between a greeting, an admonition, and a curse which was surprisingly atrocious.

‘Where’s Bilbo?’ Prim asked, wincing past the pain in her head and the…distasteful…sounds emanating from Esme, who had possession of the toilet. She could just barely see Sara’s ducky socks where she curled behind it. Otho, too, was visible where he sprawled beneath the sink.

‘Don’t care,’ Lobelia muttered darkly. ‘I hate all of you.’

Prim raised an impressed eyebrow as the previously-tightassed woman continued to cuss like a sailor beneath her breath.

There was a long minute of silence, before all six young adults sighed as one. Within said sighs were various degrees of pain, irritation and murderous intent, and any who witnessed the scene would undoubtedly leave it. As swiftly as possible. Like a bat out of hell.

‘Morning all,’ came a cheery voice from the doorway.

‘What the _actual_ fuck,’ Lobelia said, and Prim could not help agreeing the statement because there stood Bilbo Baggins, his eyes bright and clear of any effects of a hangover whatsoever.

‘ _How are you not dying right now?_ ’

Bilbo glanced at Otho beneath the sink, and smiled.

‘I have always preached the regenerative properties of chamomile tea,’ replied the twenty-six-year-old, who subsequently produced a thermos from seemingly nowhere. ‘Care for some?’

Fifteen minutes and three gallons of herbal tea later, all were sufficiently recovered and functioning mentally. Drogo still stumbled around a bit, and Lobelia still swore dreadfully at the slightest noise, and Sara still hissed like a cat every few seconds, but at least they were conscious.

‘Oh, Prim,’ Bilbo said suddenly, and she turned on the couch to face him. ‘Who were you texting all night? It’s almost all I can recall, and I was curious.’

‘Hamfast,’ Prim replied.

Bilbo raised an eyebrow. Drogo winced sympathetically, seeming to be completely over Prim’s late-night confession of ‘preferences.’

‘I hate to break it to you, but Hamfast hasn’t had a phone for six years.’

Primula Brandybuck, twenty-four, Cambridge graduate, learned neurosurgeon, paled.

‘Then who was I texting?’

\---

_15:47 November 1 st _

**_Dear Miss Brandybuck,_ **

**_I do believe you were texting the wrong person. However, considering your state of mind at the time, it must be considered impressive that you managed a seven-digit number at all._ **

**_I would like to thank you a hundred times over for making my emotionally constipated brother laugh. I have never seen him so amused. Along with said brother and my two children, I would like to thank you again for the experience. It was hilarious._ **

**_Please pass on these thanks to the other members of your party, especially Bilbo._ **

**_Dís Durskjald_ **

**_P.S. don’t worry about replying too early. I have been hung over before and know that it is not the most pleasant experience._ **

****

**_15:51 November 1 st _ **

_Miss Durskjald, please forgive me for everything, fuck. I was smashed as you can probably tell_

_Seriously I’m really sorry, please don’t get the impression that I’m some useless drunk who always parties I actually do have a job so_

_Wow I’m looking over the texts and they are super embarrassing_

_No problem about the amusement I guess. Bilbo laughed for about ten minutes too when he read over my texts. Never knew I was such a comedian lol_

_Oh yeah Bilbo also says thanks in return. That boy has no fucking shame._

_Sorry for the cussing btw I just cbfd going back over it. Please don’t sue us. And if ur brother wants to please stop him._

_Primula Brandybuck_

_15:57 November 1 st _

**_Miss Brandybuck_ **

**_You are absolutely forgiven._ **

**_You are hilarious, if I may say so. I think my sides will never be the same; I could almost swear that I see abs. Thank you for that as well._ **

**_We have absolutely no intentions of suing you – in fact, I think my brother wants Bilbo’s number. I must confess that I would also love to meet you, if that isn’t too forward._ **

**_Dís Durskjald_ **

**_P.S. Please feel free to just call me Dís._ **

****

**_16:02 November 1 st _ **

_Dís then (your name is fucking awesome by the way) it would be awesome to meet up with you guys. You seem like a cool chick. Please send a picture of your brother and maybe yourself also. No offence, we just have to make sure._

_Call me Prim too_

_Primula Brandybuck_

_P.S. if you really do have abs please teach me your ways omfg_

_16:05 November 1 st _

**_Thank you, Prim. I really love your name as well (Louis Royer is my favourite, by the way)._ **

**_No offence taken. It is always wise to be sure that I am not some old pervert, so here you go._ **

**_*attached jpg*_ **

**_Apologies for my brother’s expression, by the way. He is usually scowling but I think the Christmas sweater our mother knitted for him was the final straw. Also the pug. Azog has always had it in for him for some reason._ **

**_Dís Durskjald_ **

**_P.S. The kids are actually from a previous marriage; I am not a teenage mother. Just so you are aware._ **

****

**_16:11 November 1 st _ **

_oh my god you are really hot_

_er, anyway, Bilbo gawped for about five minutes before saying ‘yes’ too many times to count so I think he would indeed like to meet your brother. I would also like to. With you, not your brother. Not that your brother doesn’t seem nice._

_Your kids are super cute wow_

_So is that picture lol. I’ve never seen a sweater that pink or a pug that fat. Why is it called Azog?_

_Prim_

_P.S. definitely not an old pervert ;)_

_16:15 November 1 st _

**_Why thank you. I do try._ **

**_How about dinner tomorrow night? I know an amazing Italian restaurant, which does chocolate cake and liqueur. My sort of place._ **

**_Their names are Fíli and Kíli, and luckily nothing of their father rubbed off on them. I barely even remember that they aren’t actually mine biologically. Fíli is becoming so much like his uncle, and I’m not entirely sure whether that’s a good or bad thing._ **

**_The pug’s full name is actually Azog the Defiler. He nearly gave my grandfather a heart attack once and the cracked old man decided to keep him. He must be thirty years old now, I think it’s becoming unnatural._ **

**_Dís_ **

**_P.S. to answer your earlier question, I would be very willing to show you my ways ;)_ **

****

**_16:19 November 1 st _ **

_I don’t know, it looks pretty natural Dís ;)_

_you have already found the key to my heart wtf yes that sounds incredible chocolate cake and liquor is the combination of the gods_

_Oh my god they have rhyming names okay they’re waving at cute in the back windshield now. Jesus. Can you ever say no to them? That sounds really dangerous_

_So I guess you mean he scowls a lot lol. How old is he, fourteen? His eyes are just like you and your brother’s so you can pretty much say he’s biologically yours._

_Okay that is actually scary. You should get that dog checked out. We have a cat called Smaug who’s super angry and violent (except to Bilbo for some reason) but he’s only five so_

_Prim_

_P.S. maybe some private lessons?_

_16:22 November 1 st _

**_I will recall that for future reference. Chocolate and liquor. Some uses come to mind ;)_ **

**_Fortunately I have developed immunity to their combined puppy dog eyes over the years, but Thorin remains a complete marshmallow. He glowers and denies it, but really he is such a softie._ **

**_Fíli’s thirteen and Kíli’s ten. I’m glad you think so. Any relations to their actual father leaves something to be desired (or completely forgotten, either is good)._ **

**_Azog lives up to his name whenever we even think of going to the vet, unfortunately. Smaug sounds interesting._ **

**_Dís_ **

**_P.S. Sounds like a plan. How does seven sound?_ **

And that was how just under twenty-seven hours later Bilbo and Thorin found themselves awkwardly third-wheeling while their respective relatives flirted outrageously.

‘Want to go get drunk?’ Thorin offered, very determinedly _not_ looking as the two promised indecent things with their eyes.

‘Yes, _please_ ,’ Bilbo said swiftly, not only because of his cousin’s salacious smile and the hand which she laid on Dís Durskjald’s arm. It shall suffice to say that Thorin’s eyes were indeed bluer than they were in the picture; he was also not wearing a hot-pink daisy sweater, and Bilbo swore that his smile could erase universes.

\---

A year and a half later, Bilbo Baggins could not help wondering how on earth both he and his cousin had found a spouse through one hundred and ninety-one drunk texts.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! If there are any lines which are frankly undecipherable, please let me know.
> 
> (REYNOLDS JUST CRASH DAMMIT)
> 
> Anyways, any comments are SUPER appreciated. I have really come to ship Prim and Dis for some reason after writing this fic. Originally I was going to keep Prim and Drogo together but then I'm like nah. Too much chemistry.
> 
> It was also at one time called 'There’s so much blood in my alcohol system', for reasons which I cannot explain.
> 
> Brownie points if you can guess which country this is set in :)


End file.
